Intro
We're getting to know the cutie drone from the poastcards and its inventor, and it takes us into a lasery arena, it's all actually quite cool. Some people are playing the lasers like harps, but we're not sure what song it is - it's something familiar, but whether it's familiar for being a famous classical piece or from a Romanian salt mine semifinal, we're not sure.
Some lady (Aminata?) comes on later and shouts Sound of beauty at us, I hope it's not the theme song... But we get plenty of shirtlessness to hello at, so it's all good. Or, apparently they're not shirtless after all, Alex says it's some kind of latex - colour me disappointed. (Excuse me, I got carried away, etc - luckily there was a strict Dutchman to say IT WAS WRONG).
Presenters come on, Laura still with curlers in her hair - I really hope that's the outfit for tomorrow! I'm already annoyed at Mika, this starts promising...
Albania
It looked like Ronela went to Ireland for her postcard, but I guess not?
NOW there's shirtlessnness! And quite a bit of drama and shouting and headbanging. It looks far less messy than it did in the clip I've seen before, so I'd say they've tidied this up nicely. Alex is mainly busy trying to spot who is allowed to touch themselves (the male dancers seem to be).
There's some absolutely hideous shouts from her every now and then, but otherwise it's engaging and quite the punch in your face as a starter of the show!
Latvia
It's been going for fifteen seconds, and I'm already exhausted, but Alex is approving of all the bussy (brassy, that is!). It's exactly as colourful and funky and things as it's always been, but I thought we had a 3-minute rule...? We must be at 30 by now. The red man (do they have names?) is not deemed acceptable in the hair department by Alex, and I must say I agree. Does he have Laura's curlers?
Lithuania
SPARKLY! Alex says it's like Toad from Mario Kart in a sparkly dress. I don't know what that is.
She multiplies towards the end! :-o There's very few surprises here, she's doing everything she should and doing it well, and if you liked this before, you still will, but I doubt it'll get many new fans. It was the first one where Alex lost interest, whereas I find it 'comfortingly dull' (copyright Roger).
Switzerland
Marius is very alone in the dark with his fluffy hair, which apparently went blue just when Andy said it could be blue! Does he have special powers? I think the song (and especially the voice) is rather delicious, but I'm not sure it's not very... watchable? I'm not sold on him, but it might just be the hair. And Alex and I agree on a song for once!
Slovenia
We have several important questions. Is there a girl in LPS? And what gender is the disco ball? Alex wonders if maybe Alcazar will pop out of it? Will the drummer fall down from his plinth (hashtag moist). Why are there no brassy instruments, when we can hear them all through?
I hated this when it won Ema, but I've warmed a bit to it. Alex, on the other hand, really likes it, and describes it as clapworthy. I kinda agree, they make the most of it - but I do assume we're looking at a solid 15th place here.
Ukraine
Yamster bought a pink bucket hat today, so he's ready to step up if they need a replacement. But for now, I see no reason why they should, they're all doing it pretty well without help. The song is an acquired taste everything aside, but I think it's working really, and the mix of eclectic, ethnic, modern and sad-sounding fits the, well, environment. I don't think it's the winner, but it's undoubtedly going to do well.
The flute bit SLAYS, says Alex. He's right.
Break
We get a bit of Mika and Laura standing in the really green green room, and it's very awkward, I somehow think it still will be after rehearsing it more. They're requesting us to kiss our neighbours - our official advice is to ask nicely first.
Then we get a little video with some facts and figures, guess how many metres of cable they needed?
Allora.
Bulgaria
It starts off with only half a screen, before the next half gets filled by another person, and it looks quite neat, but then shortly you realise it's just this song. Stage is just dark with white lights, until it suddenly gets bathed in red about halfway through. It doesn't really help. It's... competent.
Finally some pyro for the guitar solo, so Alex is pleased, but it really needed some more.
Apparently the stage floor shows a fire-y dove at the end, but I missed it! I'm very helpful like that. I think it means they like peace.
Netherlands, The
All by herself in the dark, and it feels like it's going to be very atmospheric with her nice voice, but as Alex points out, wouldn't anything sound magical after Bulgaria...? I always feel a bit disappointed at this, cos it doesn't really deliver what the opening promises, but I can also not find anything wrong with it. Of course it's qualifying, according to both me and little helper.
Moldova
Hey ho, let's go indeed, Peter Poles-style... Both me and Alex are annoyed already after about nine seconds, so this bodes well. Also, Alex points out the important question - how will we know whether it's meant to be funny if they're not wearing a pointy hat?
I think the more rocky version is a big mistake, even if I may like it slightly more (no, wait, dislike it slightly less). Now it seems less like a fun folksy thing, more like the Bulgarian band (sorry, project) dressed up in colours.
Tedious is the keyword here.
Portugal
For some reason this is introduced by Alessandro comparing Eurovision to an airport?
The camera pans in on her in a way that makes it feel very intimate and different right away, it's certainly a refreshing change from Moldova! They're facing each other in the circle like has been reported, and while it might feel a bit odd for the audience, it works very well. Alex says he's not overly keen on the song itself, but that the vibe is quite delicious, and that describes it well. It's like a comforting cup of tea or something, and is of course sailing through.
Break
Laura thinks it's eeeaaasyyy.
Croatia
The very big very pink dress along with the guitar is choice. Maybe that's why the guitar suddenly disappears. The three dancers (pretty dancers, says Alex!) seem to be telling us some elaborate story, but I'm not sure what it is? Mainly that you only need to wander about to be called a dancer.
Oh, and there's suddenly Croatian! That's new, right?
Denmark
There's about two people in the world who like this, and both of them are right here! So this is going to be very balanced. So negatives first - her hair. But it's better than it was in DMGP, at least!
We can't quite agree about whether the calm bit is suitable in length or waaaay too long, but we LOOOOVE that it just builds and builds and builds and builds and KEYCHANGE PYRO YAAASS.
Break
Is Mika a philosopher now? He's just blabbering, and it's making Alex shout at the tv. Then we're treated with some footage from the Moroccan Oil-coloured carpet ceremony yesterday.
Austria
Reports on this have been very mixed, but from the clip I saw, I thought it worked really well, so let's see...
They start off with shouting What's up, Eurovision, party with us! I'd advise against that. The singing is a bit dodgy, as expected, but not too bad, mainly thanks so being doubled by someone (it's probs Valentina Monetta). It must be very awkward to be a DJ in Eurovision, but he looks far more into it and natural than they often do. It's not exactly winning the jury vote, but I think the party feel could help it through thanks to televoters. Alex loves it, but is worried...
Iceland
Alex loves it, but goes for a wee. Half of that sentence is true. I'm more partial to it, and it's got a good draw, seeming very proper after Austria. Or in Alex's words, "people will confuse it for quality after Austria".
Stage is bathed in warm orange, which is a good choice for something sunny. They're doing it well, but I'm not sure it will be enough.
It starts off with a close up of her face in the dark, but they didn't line up her eyes with the big PROHIBITED on the screen, and Alex is a bit befuddled by it. Other than that, it's very well done, some great camera shots and lighting effects. And she manages to sing the weird take my heart bit much better now than in a previous clip from the rehearsals. Best moment is obvs blinking lights in the back for the biiiig DIIIIEE. Very blue and very clapworthy!
Norway
Wolves in nature in the postcard, very natural. The best thing about this really is when they move their heads and the ears bounce.
There's not much to say here, is it? It's what it always was and always will be. Only change I can spot is that Gaute sounds even more like Gaute than ever. I'm being told off by Alex for ruining the SEKRET now, but some pyro arrived, so he's happy again!
Break
Allora, someone's sticking post-its all over the stage, so we get Alessandro and Mika getting wet. They're not great at throwing coins in a fountain.
Armenia
SNOP.
All the white and post-its all over the walls and bed and chair and lamp makes it very distinct, but I'm still not sure it's a good idea. But suddenly she rips a big hole in the wall, and audience is there and it's an actual moment! Love it!
Snabbis
Apparently, Destiny is in our hands. What are we going to do with her? And did she bring the pink boots? Other than that, just saying words seem to confuse the presenters, let alone saying them in an order that makes sense.
We're loving the shots of "the artists" in the green room during the snabbis, with very bored stand-ins! Except for Bulgaria, they didn't even find a stand-in. Main take from the reprise is that Switzerland is very forgotten by now, and that Moldova and Portugal switched places, but not graphics - oops! AND DENMARK YAASS.
Interval act
If you want to be surprised by interval act, stop reading now! If you want detailed descriptions of it, go read somewhere else. For now it's some drumming, Alex wonders if it's Safri Trio? Safri Quartet? We've established it's not Robert Miles, at least, as apparently he's with Lys on a nice farm. There's also a brief mention of someone else at that farm - Raffaella Carrà!
Another snabbis, after Laura threatens us that voting time is nearly up. And speaking of threats, Alex is threatening to televote 20 times for Latvia, shall I throw his phone in the pool or the ocean? Votes on a postcard, please.
They sorted out the order of Moldova and Portugal now, luckily. They're possible the least interchangable songs ever? Maybe except Sehnsucht and Aina mun pitää.
It's time to make up for a certain 2020 cancellation, and welcome Diodato on stage to finally perform Fai rumore. A bit unfair to just run over all the actual participants like that, but who am I to complain. Starts off very intimately by the piano, with some random people walking by - could it be the Croatian dancers? And there's an absolutely GORGEOUS gentleman dancer, and lights for the chorus and I'm all covered in gooseberrybumpies from head to toe. WINNER!
THE SUN HAS TURNED
We're treated with a recap of various Eurovision history, one more random than the next. Lidia Isac? Brendan Murray?? Odd segment, it doesn't really seem to have a narrative, except to fill some time. Then JESC winner Maléna appears in her massive moon boots, and we get no less than two clips about it - first her not being able to sing the winning reprise, then something to tempt us to go to Yerevan.
Up next is direct finalists, with a little interview and presumably clips of their performances. It's obviously very awkward now, hopefully it will stay the same tomorrow! In news that will shock no-one, Mahmood and Blanco are wearing some ridiculous, massive outfits, but still look delicious.
France
It took ages to set up the steps and get them going, but here we go. It's green, it's chaotic, it cool, it's weird, it's pretty much exactly how it was in French final. I'm glad it's there, but I don't think it serves any other purpose than that. Look out for scary howls towards the end!
Alex has a very clear message to these people: Sounds do not a song make. Poetic.
Italy
Fair and balanced review, here we come! The singing was patchy here and there, Mahmood looks like Herr Flick and Blanco wears a massive tablecloth, but that's not gonna stop me being covered in previously mentioned geese, is it? Nope! The stage doesn't do a lot during this, mainly just black and white, but there's some great lighting effects, like flashing lights for Blanco's angry bit, and some very pwetty blinking in the background during the last chorus. I have officially melted.
Alex, however, is unmelted still. He's not really connecting with it, and mainly just thinks it's high singing.
Qualifiers
Martin Österdahl is sitting behind a hedge, for some reason, but he says we're ready. So here are the qualifiers, annoyingly with the three letter codes of last year on the scoreboard:
Denmark
Bulgaria lolz
Croatia
Switzerland
Lithuania
Slovenia (the sfthisfsfth qualifier - or qualifier number six)
Latvia
Fffnetherlands
Moldova
Greece
Jättegrattis, over and out! Alex also waves!
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